Space to Dream, and to Be
the gorgeous multifaceted-ness that is life on Planet Earth
I can’t believe that the end of the year is upon us. This year seemed long and stretchy, and simultaneously snappy short. For me, it was a year of dualities. Last week, I endured yet another close to hour-long commute, and sat through 17 minutes of bumper-to-bumper traffic to go less than a mile to buy groceries after a full day of work. It was only minutes past five, and the sky was already a deep indigo. My body felt tired, and my eyelids sat heavily, making their presence known. Just as I was pulling into the parking garage at the store, I noticed that I had kept the car stereo turned off, a rarity on my commutes. I clearly needed the space to just be, listening to the simple hum of the car engines around me. The silence felt good after a day of interacting with colleagues and community partners.
I’ve been feeling this keep-up-despite-my-desire-to-rest energy since 2022 began. Mid-year, I noticed how I was ignoring my body’s calls. I wrote about this dissonance when I hit an uncomfortable level of burnout in July. 2022 vibrated at a consistent energy of running to catch up to, and mount, a galloping horse. My body no longer enjoyed moving at this speed, yet, I felt the collective pressure to keep up. “Everyone else is galloping, shouldn’t I be?”
The overarching question here is, what are we all attempting to catch up to?
I was scrolling on social media a few days ago and I came across a post about a woman who was “running in heels to catch her train”. She was ignoring the throbbing pain in her feet and she was out of breath. Suddenly, she had a revelation. She realized that she was running to get to an office “on time” yet had no pressing meetings or engagements that morning. She slowed her pace, and she allowed herself to miss the train. She listened to her body’s pace. She’d catch the next one.
2022 gifted me a knowledge of my body that is deeper than ever before. I recognize the dance within me. I have big visions for my career, but I also know that I will prioritize unstructured time within that work. I desire shorter spurts of productivity, and recognize that doing this allows some room for dreaming. I will nourish my body with sunlight and movement and good food, while not completely falling off the grid. I can prioritize time spent with community, and seek out more spaces to gather in. I will luxuriate in a pile of cozy blankets more often, and be comfortable in the space of just being. I will be present and honest with what I need, right here, right now, and be secure in myself that I am doing my best. No more running in heels. This is the future.
We’re in the time of year where we are being asked to acknowledge our truest selves. This is a magical time—a portal of sorts that we can climb into and reflect in. The delight of the shorter days of winter leads us into deep imagining, coziness, and play. Personally, I have been drawn to engage in un-timed, shapeless meditation, and to pair that with the more structured kundalini practice of sobagh kriya. According to the Jewish calendar, we are in the month of Kislev. The vibration is one of dreaming, and playing with liminal space. We are asked in Kislev to familiarize ourselves with the darkness. We are challenged to make friends with our innermost truths, and to retreat to our wombs where these visions and softness reside, together. I look to Kislev to find my truth, and to find the harmony in the darkness.
Last weekend Dan and I lit our first beautiful fire of the season. I made us two cups of fancy hot cocoa that I had bought from a specialty store earlier in the week, excited for this occasion. We cozied up with blankets, and I prepared my knitting around us as we settled into our current binge show. After a long week of work, we spent the whole night on the couch, and this balance brought me deep nourishment.
As we approach 2023, I come not with resolutions, or a pocket full of big visions, but rather, I am approaching this renewal with openness to what wants to come forward. I am leaning into my truths, honoring my body’s needs, and dancing with the shapelessness that is being human.
As always, thank you for reading On Holiday. It means the world to me to have this community in this corner of the internet. This holiday season, consider supporting my work through:
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P.S. Speaking of holding the vision for 2023, on December 19th, I am hosting a manifestation gathering in DC. I’d love to meet you IRL, so consider joining me. It will be a meaningful evening with meditation and journaling, and setting our intentions for the coming year.