Who we are becoming

A reflection on the year mark, and the fact that summer was kind wild time for a lot of us...right?

The dahlias are finally in bloom again in the Poconos. Three weeks ago at the farmer’s market, I picked three stems from our micro greens farmer Eugene and excitedly twirled them between my thumb and fingers. Dahlias signal one of my favorite times of year—the harvest season. It’s the time of year when the produce has reached peak ripeness and we ourselves reach peak relaxation. It’s the time of year where the back-to-school energy restarts my creative engines and there’s a tinge of briskness in the morning air that beckons me into gentle productivity. It is also the Jewish month of Elul, which is the final month before our new year begins. Elul beckons reflection and forgiveness, and is a time to take inventory.

And most of you know, last year just around this time, I wrote to you all about this big life change I had made. I wrote about my wild woman, and how there was no more time to ignore her calls. I bought a bouquet of dahlias for our new kitchen table in our temporary space. I promised myself and others that this was a layover moment— “no more than 3 months max”. I wasn’t sure what was next, but I was confident that it would drop in as soon as I gave my body time to unclench from the energy I had left behind in DC.

I cocooned for most of this time. I spent days and weeks and many hours showing up for myself and trying to untangle the knot of the why’s in my life and what should be next. I took slow walks, read books in the morning, and ate an abundance of apples and ripe tomatoes from our backyard garden on toast.

But soon, the leaves morphed into their brilliant hued selves outside of our little home. And then it snowed, and then, suddenly, the buds were opening once again. It was in the late spring that I began to panic about how much time had passed.

For the better chunk of this year, I’ve been out of work save a couple of small gigs here and there. I haven’t shared much about this part of my journey because frankly it’s been difficult to face. While applying for jobs I simultaneously worried that I’d never rebuild towards my big visions, and even when I surrendered to the idea of another full time role for now, nothing came through. All of the old doors I knew were the ones I knocked at. Even when no one answered, I continued to knock within these familiar confines of what I believed to be success and my path forward.

The thing is, while I sat in this belief system that was clearly no longer a path open to me I began to starve—mentally, emotionally, and financially. This new weight replaced the burnout and began to wake me up in the middle of the night. It made everything that wasn’t financially gaining feel pointless and wasteful, and ultimately made it harder to allow for natural inspiration—the very thing I desired, to drop in. The ride I’m on this year is not new, and often throughout the year I found myself reflecting back to 2021. There were so many commonalities with that year that I sometimes forgot that I was in 2024. And I wondered, “am I really alone in this unrelenting turbulence of the past few years?”

The more I talk to friends the more I see my story mirrored back to me with slightly different narratives. So many of us are looking inward, so many of us are rebuilding new versions of who we are while attempting to keep our trains, hurtling forward, steady on the tracks. We all experienced major upheaval to the lives we knew. Many of us made big changes. Some of us remained in a holding pattern hoping that we could repair after the storm. But then, somehow, somewhere, we were tasked with sweeping all of this under the rug to keep moving and forget our grief. And a lot of us are struggling. Four years later, it feels wrong to admit this. Even writing this piece makes me feel vulnerable and afraid. But it feels important to share because I know I’m not alone in my attempt to put the puzzle back together behind everyone’s backs.

I have referred to this period, and even specifically this current summer, as a feeling of “waking up out of a coma and trying to remember who I am”. And I wonder, have I been faking it a little? Have we all been faking it?

This is a viral reel on IG that a friend of mine reposted just a few days ago:

sonyased5

A post shared by @sonyased5

Which leads me to believe that there are at least 600k of you who can identify with what I’m talking about here. We are in a season of rebirthing.

Basically, I’m writing you all to say that for me, the jig is up. I can no longer pretend to thrive in a world that is kind of (actually) a mess and I want to be a part of the new way forward.

I just want us to be honest. Have we taken time to look ourselves in the eyes and really ask, How have we transformed? Are we feeling okay about where we are going? What are we aiming to offer the world now, in this renewed body and changed spirit? Or are we still on the hamster wheel doing things that may no longer serve us? When will we take the time we need to heal?

These are some of the questions I’ve been working with this year, and it makes sense that everything else hasn’t fallen into place because these are HUGE, powerful questions.

I moved to the woods knowing that I needed to face these things, and a year later I understand that I not only came here to investigate—but the woods have also become a place where I am completely transforming the way I approach my life. What possibilities could be awaiting me after I release fear and step into who I truly want to become?

I shared the short version of this story to Instagram a few days ago, with the news that I am working part time at a tea shop in town. The work is simple and so deeply nourishing to me. I resisted getting an hourly job like this one because I thought it would signal that I had failed. Because succeeding to me for so long meant a high paying or high profile job in the spotlight, or receiving press, or securing a book deal. That if I took an hourly job working at a little herb and tea shop in a small town it would signal that I didn’t want these big dreams anymore and the Big Magic could move on.

But what is so interesting is the more I surrender to what is happening around me (and trust, it is taking a lot of deep work, hours of journaling, and speaking with family and friends to move through this) the more I notice the path before me opening up again. Working a job that comes easily to me and brings me joy is exactly what I need right now. I’m not forgetting about my dreams, but I am choosing to trust what is being laid before me.

Maybe I am here to show us that it is possible to live well and simply and also receive all of the blessings I hope for just by being me and being honest—lighting the way forward for others to show up honestly too. Maybe this is the real sharing of our gifts. And maybe, this is the true meaning of embodying the wild woman I have been searching for. Surrendering to the softness of trust. Flowing with time, leaning into our seasons, and allowing for it all to fall into place with ease and curiosity.

I am ready. Are you?