Inner knowing
Why it is vital that we trust our magic.
I bought this light shaped like a swan in an antique shop outside of Scranton over the weekend. This lamp fills me with so much joy. It’s delightfully quirky while still feeling elegant. But the backstory to this lamp is really where the magic lies.
Have you ever been in a shop and saw something incredible and left it behind?
A week or two ago I was listening to an interview with Liz Moody on Radio Cherry Bombe. I had not heard of Liz before, but I was immediately attracted to her work. She recently published her book called, “100 Ways to Change your Life” and being a self-improvement book junkie, I was intrigued. At the end of the interview, Kerry Diamond asked Liz to name a few of her favorite tips from the book.
“Never be the one to say no to yourself”, Liz said. And this really struck me. Because a lot of times, I do say no to myself. I restrict my impulses, I deprive myself, thinking that it’s the more responsible thing to do. And the more I say no, the more those little no’s add up to larger atrophies of my expression of self.
A few weeks ago, Dan and I spent a Saturday exploring the surrounding area. After visiting with some alpacas and walking around a few towns, we noticed a fun looking antique shop and decided to venture in. I was drawn to one corner with a table of incredibly unique menorahs. I love antique shops upstate because they tend to still have remnants of the Borscht Belt days. One menorah in particular caught my eye. It was made of stone, and carved into it were the shapes of people holding up their arms to embrace the candles that would be placed in the holders above them. I picked it up and walked around with it as I looked at more things. I noticed a woman discover a peacock figurine, and she brought it to the cashier to purchase. The owner unfurled a cord from beneath the bird, plugging it in and revealing colorful light through its stained glass.
Instantly, I was enchanted by the idea of a bird light. (The quirkiness! The mirth and conversation it would offer!) And in that very moment, I looked straight ahead to see an iridescent swan on the shelf in front of me. I investigated, and sure enough, it was also a light. The menorah I had been carrying was suddenly obsolete. This, this was the thing I wanted. But as quickly as I’d fallen in love, I had simultaneously convinced myself of its frivolity. I told myself no. “Our space is too small. Where would we put it?” “I shouldn’t be spending any money right now”. And that was that. We left the store empty-handed.
That night, I couldn’t fall asleep. I felt an electricity through my whole body and the swan lamp came into my mind’s eye. I could see it in our future living room, radiantly perched on a corner table with curious elegance. I felt a bit dumb—that a physical item had taken over my whole spirit in this moment, but I also know that when my body reacts like this it is best that I pay attention. As I laid in bed, my heart spoke to me. She whispered, “You have to trust your magic”. I shouldn’t be the one to say no to myself. I have to be the one to celebrate and honor the magic I see in the world. I decided that tomorrow I’d try to get that lamp.
The next day we woke up to a big snowstorm. I was comforted by the idea that no one would likely be venturing out to shop that day. I looked up the hours online and was additionally consoled by the fact that they were not open until later that coming week. I made a note on my calendar to call first thing when they opened to reserve the light, and on Thursday morning at 10a sharp, I gave them a ring.
“That swan light? Oh yeah, it sold. Last week!” said the shopkeeper. I was in disbelief, and my heart sank. How could it have possibly sold between the time we were in the shop and now? As soon as I hung up, I searched for the light online and was devastated to learn that it existed, but was selling for at least six times the price it had been in the store. I was so disappointed, and I felt an anger bubble up in my chest. I was annoyed at myself for abandoning my whimsy and following pragmatism instead. My reasoning in the store that day was very real—I shouldn’t be spending money right now, and our current space is indeed quite small. However, I couldn’t help but think that if I had listened to my heart, I wouldn’t have missed bringing this piece home.
A few months ago, I went to tea with Birch, a good friend of mine. We sat outside, taking in the summer sun in the early morning. I was in the middle of navigating a departure from my job and making the really big life decision to move out of DC. And seemingly in the same breath, I brought up a desire I had to be wearing pearls. It felt random and disjointed to these life decisions, but I had come across a necklace that felt like the one a few days prior. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, but hadn’t ordered it as yet. I explained all of this to Birch and she offered a reflection—sometimes we don’t know why a notion drops in, and oftentimes, our only job is to listen to it. Who knows? Maybe this necklace will be a conversation piece that leads you to a new job or a new place, and magic will ensue. She was right. I only needed to follow the breadcrumbs. And later that day, I bought the necklace.
On Saturday I had to pick Dan up from the airport, and still thinking about my missed connection, I searched for nearby antique shops. One in particular caught my eye, and I decided to investigate. I drove to the store ahead of going to the airport and briskly, I scanned the shelves glancing in every direction for shapes of birds. Just as I was about to give up, I found what I was looking for right in front of me. My heart leapt at the sight of this swan light. And although it wasn’t the exact one I’d seen a few weeks ago, it felt like a second chance to honor that inner call. I put it on hold, picked up Dan, and we doubled back to purchase our new quirky decor piece.
Later that evening, we plugged in the swan next to our TV. Indeed, we found space for her in our modest space. She glowed radiantly, just like I had imagined. It brought a wide smile to my face.
I might not understand yet why I was led to this lamp, or why I was strongly called to pearls a few months ago, but what I do know is that these types of things feel incredibly linked to my inner world, and it’s enough to simply want to honor that in the physical realm.
Never be the one to say no to yourself, because it is through this honoring that we express our most true selves. The more we trust our inner knowing, I am certain that there will be magic to follow.
Shine brightly,
x Maya